1. Adventures in Molten Core with the Hammer | 9/15/2005 9:08:18 AM PDT
In honor of the literate genious of Pokey I have writen of my own adventures in Molten Core ... enjoy:
The adventures of Phytrion, Pally in Molten Core
Patch day! And paladins get a new uber spell that will kill those damn shamans from far far away. After grabbin the Hammer I quickly pwned some turtles in Theramore to show how high my pally DPS is. I then hopped over to Arathi Basin for some wicked PvP. I was fighting this rogue and he was almost dead so he started running away and I was like “Not so fast Ranger Rick” and I clicked my new spell. Lo and behold, a glowing hammer of wtfpwn you shot out and the silly undead guy got re-deaded.
Well after several games of fighting in the basin and healing mages long enough to bring down guys so I could try and get killing blow with my uber new 500 damage spell, I see an announcement over guild chat “TEAM ASCENSCION ASSEMBLE!!!” ZOMG it is time for molten core!
We get into the instance and are buffing and I say “Guys I’m gonna go damage tonight, my new spell has me so pumped up guys I want to show you that I can out damage all of you.” There was a lot of silence and then everyone started laughing at me … I think they realized it was silly to not have paladins go DPS in the first place, but then the raid leader whispered me /wgood one Phy make sure you heal and cleanse.
Our raid leader is a sarcastic one, cuz one time this l33t 2hand “Obsidian Edged Blade” droped and I was like “omg want to buy” and there was another long moment of silence and I said ‘This is gonna be like that time I rolled a 100 on Dal’rends and you guys booted me from the raid isn’t it?’ They said as a pally I should know about repentance, and if I swear to never roll on an OEB again they’ll let me stay. LOLZ they were just trying to make the warriors not feel sad that my SoC pwns them.
So anyway I’m sure he was using reverse psychology on me and wanted to see my uber glowing hammer of wtfpwn in action. So I would stay back at maximum range so everyone could see the hammer but I got bored cuz I had to wait to 20% so I ran in and used the only other spell I know that does massive damage…..
“WHAT THE HELL IS A CONSECRATION DOING ON LUCIFRON”
That was our raid leader again … he’s so funny so I said “lol raid leader we have more debuff slots now which means I can finally put my uber pally debuffs on” He told me again to cleanse and stuff and now I was getting mad because everytime I tried to run in and use my seal of command he would say the same thing. So I stepped back and looked like I was gonna be a cleansebot but FAKEOUT I busted out my uber ranged weapon …. I heard the swish swish of Linken’s Boomerang as it hit the giant lizard Lucifron and it critted for 300 damage! That’s such high DPS, that’s like 3 of my melee attacks!
“JESUS PHY GET YOUR $!@% IN GEAR!”
So I was like okay okay I’ll play their game I tossed some cleanse for a while and even a heal but that consecration button was looking sooooo juicy so I ran up again and dropped it … the yellow flames were so good. Shadow priests may be able to melt faces but I get to melt asses with my sweet consecration. So I popped it and they were like “PHY JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” So I said “holy cow guys watch this!”
And I charged up the uber hammer of wtfpwn and ZOMG it critted for 1300 damage! I haven’t seen four digit damage since I leaned over my roommates computer and watched him execute somebody. I was so stoked I started /dancing right then and there.
We killed Luci but clearly there were hax because I was #40 in damage behind Ramstein’s Lighitng Bolts that our warrior had …. I was sure they didn’t want to make the other people feel bad. Oh well, the only thing that sux0red was that I had to wait 6 secs to cast my uber hammer …. gah nerf shamans.
And now we’re getting ready for Mag … /afk one sec ….
The story will continue ……
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As requested, we move on to boss #2....
The story continues as we move on to Magmadar ….
After phat lewtz were distributed were moved on to that big dog Magmadar. First we had to fight a bunch of core hound packs and I said /w raidleader Raid Leader can I plz plz plz use consecration when you yell AOE? And he said /w sure Phy you go to town. HUZAH! He finally bowed down to the infinite damage that pallies can do. So while the mages were dropping wussy snowflakes I was busy melting the Hound’s butts with my consecration and we burned them down faster than we never had before. We got to Magmadar and I asked our dwarf priest for a fear ward and he kinda just chuckled at me.
Oh well, I said, I was feelin nice so I said “Main tank, I’ma gonna heal you like there’s no tomorrow.” And he ran in and pulled Magmadar and I went to press my Holy Light but then the FUNNIEST thing happenedI accidently pressed the divine intervention button LOLOLOL. I died, but lucky for me my RL buddy is a warlock and soulstoned me cuz I gave him 30 gold before hand. So while they are all screaming about “lost agro” “paladin idiot” and other crap I jumped up and said “DON’T WORRY GUYS I’LL TANK THE DOG!”
I ran up and dusted off my never used Seal of Furry but it wasn’t enough … I have a fever and the only cure is more ass melting. Consecration dropped and I swore I could hear Magmadar yell “Nooo! 50 dps!” and I was like “Yeah you know you like that phat damage!” Well by this time our tank was battle rezed and he taunted Magmadar off me. Then Magmadar got mad because he liked fighting me and made everybody in the room run around in fear.
Soon everyone was yelling “PHY YOU’RE ON FIRE!” And I knew they weren’t talking about my mad tanking skillz, because they were all still a little upset about the whole Divine Intervention fiasco … and sure enough I was sitting in a large pile of fiery spit … I think Magmadar needs to consult his physician about Acid Reflux. I was really getting mad because I was getting feared and magmadar was nowhere near 20% yet which meant no consecration and no uber hammer of death. Plus now I’m getting burned alive so I knew of only one solution to this dangerous situation, and my pally instincts kicked in.
“WTF IS PHY HEARTHING!”
Yes, indeed I had used my I Win Button …. And was hearthing back to the safety of ironforge. “Don’t worry guys,” I said, “I will buy you some fire protection potions because you can’t shield when he spits on you.” I wasn’t planning on buying them potions, but I looked at my “What Would Uther Do” bracelet and thought man he’d feel sorry for those poor guys with no I Win Buttons, and he’d help them out.
So I bought teh potions and zoned back in to MC. Again, I’m lucky my friend is a warlock because none of the other jealous guys wanted to help me get back to where the raid was. They even said “Dangit if you weren’t our best lock we’d kick you,” but I think they were just trying to make the people who died from Magmadar’s acid reflux feel a little better.
Well I got summoned back, but they had already defeated Magmadar. No matter I said, I will get the cure for my consecration fever on Gehennas, the next boss up.
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The story continues as we move on to Gehennas….
Next up was Gehennas, or Gehenass is I like to call him. Gehenass has this Reign of Fire that just screams noob sauce, even more so than Shamans … I mean Shamans can instance cast chain lighting, launch a bajillion totems, and they even stole the “Launch Nuclear Missile” spell from Starcraft! But Gehenass is worse that that … his AoE is cheap cheap cheap, and today I told myself “Phy, you are going to show this guy who is the real Boss of AoE.”
But first on the way there I had to lay low, because not everybody could appreciate the fine art of Paladin damage, and the raid channel was abound with statements like “Phy if you don’t spam cleanse like normal I will slap you so hard they will finally buff your class after seeing the hurt.” And I quickly replied “STFU noobs I do so much damage its filfth … I don’t want a buff because we’d be overpowered.” So many people laughed at that …. its because they know I’m right. So anyway we were clearing mobs and I went back to my usual healing and cleansing, but I guess raidleader wanted to remind the raid of the potential of pally damage because he was like “/w Phy go ahead and use your mini-excute and get it out of your system before Gehennas.”
Right, get it out of my system … I’m assuming he meant get the jitters out of my system before I unload a can of ass melting on Gehennas. Well my Hammer definetly wtfpwned several mobs, and even the warriors commented on the coolness of the animation for my new spell. I replied “Thank you, it is good of you to be a good sport in the face of a spell to replace your execute.” Some more polite laughs erupted for the loser warriors and finally we were at Gehennas.
The raid spread out and got ready to fight and our raid leader was like “Do you want to Pally pull?” And I said “No thanks raid leader, what if I need to use my I Win button?” And after a pause he said “Good point, Phy I’m going to make you Pally pull.” Sigh, I suppose he’s right if I use my I Win button twice in one raid the morale of the other classes will be really low. So I ran up to Gehenass and I all of the sudden Ahnold came into my mind and as I was running away with my shield I /rude Gehenass and I said “I’ll be bahck” in my best Terminator voice.
And sure enough, once the MT had established agro I decided I would pull all the stops on this one. Everyone so far had witnessed normal consecration … but for this Reign of Firing moron I would be raising to the new level. I ran up and I judged Seal of Crusader for that extra 7 dps, but that wasn’t nearly enough. I popped out the paladin secret weapon for uber dps …. Sanctity Aura. That extra 10% was starting to really push down the percent sign of Gehenass’ life. All of the sudden though I got screams in my group “Get Fire Resist back on! What are you doing?!” To which I replied “I’m busy showing Gehenass who’s the boss of AoE.”
At this point I became concerned – with my 61.6 dps from Consecration would Gehenass break AI and try to run away? I would solve this problem right away – I announced in raid chat “Hey guys I’m concerned that Gehenass might run away from my phat DPS, because I don’t think anybody has tried my Pally AoE strategy on him ever.”
“Nobody tired this stunt? You think Phy?”
Jealous, they’re all just jealous because Pallies are so uber. Nonetheless, I quelled my concerns by casting Judgement of Justice on him … that #@%$! was going nowhere.
“PHY DON’T WASTE ANOTHER G DAMN DEBUFF SLOT”
I figured out why he was yelling at me – my ass melting consecration of death got Gehenass down to 20%! “Good call guys, now I can summon my wtfpwnyou hammer.” And indeed I did, and with my uber sanctity aura still on I start doing mad damage .. we’re talking like 590, maybe 600 damage every six seconds. Can you think of a class that does that much high-end dps? I almost thought I was back in Diablo 2 going nuts with Zeal I was doing that much damage.
But enough about the past, I summoned my hammer on him one last time and it was a beautiful sound … to assist the hearing impaired it sounded like “swish swish swish swish BAM oh you’re dead!” Indeed I got the killing blow on Gehenass, and I ran right up to him and said “You have been tehrminahted” Still no epic lootz for pallies, but I’m praying that with my phat DPS maybe they’ll let me get that OEB if it drops off of Garr. We can only hope!
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GARR:
People kept on telling me "Garr is hard, Garr is tough, Garr is impossible." So I sat and thought to myself, if Garr is so tough, what's the best way I can help the guild?
The answer resonated, and I set out on my mission. For all week I worked on my project, assembling a set of gear specifically for the garr fight. What is this set you may ask? All the +spell damage I could find. I figured that with all the +damage gear, I may hit 60, hell 70 dps with consecration.
I have got some crit spell gear like Crown of the Ogre King, because could imagine what consecratoin would CRIT for! Zomg so good.
Of course, I did this all in secret, because everyone would be jealous of my project. We cleared all the way to Garr, and they all said "Hey Phyt you are unusually lacking of antics tonight." And I replied, "Well yes guys, that is because I have a special treat for Garr."
This led to silence, and awkward pauses. I'm certain it was because they were contemplating how much I would be able to contribute to the raid group.
We began the Garr fight and I maintained the st00pid healadin role, but then once the tanks got on Garr's 8 buddies I sprang into action. With my new gear on I dropped consecration and WUZAH the damage started pouring. But then something odd happened.
I UNLOCKED A SECRET PALLY ABILITY! I turns out when you consecration damage goes over 60 per second, the mobs FLIP OUT and turn immune to everything. I was busy cheering myself when the warlocks were like "Jesus H Christ Phy wtf are you doing?"
And I apologized "Sorry guys, I unlocked a secret ability for my class. Don't be jealous, go hit another target kthxbye."
The fight continued, and I was dropping consecration on Garr hoping he'd go immune too but I guess boss's are immune to being immune.
Anyway, we downed Garr, but those mobs were still frightened from my uber-consecration (I'm stil working on a name for it). But then disaster .... with great buff to consecration comes great consequences. Turns out after being immune they BLOW UP when they die. Incidently, I died in this process.
Nobody wanted to say anything, but they all viewed me as a hero that day. I made it so three of Garr's bestest friends were not in the fight. Uther would've given me a hug I bet. God bless consecration, and ass melters everywhere.
P.S.
We downed Rag for the first time tonight. I had on an exlier of the mongoose and a crit stone, plus the Ony and Hakkar buffs = 20% chance to crit in my healing/FR gear. It was so good.[/b]
... Har tilogmed formatert pcn uten noe hjelp!!!
