After playing WoW for a good long time, Horde and Alliance, normal, PvP, RP, RPPvP, I've developed a pretty stubborn view of WoW races based on the general personality type that tends to play them. I really can't shake them off. Now, if you feel personally offended by the following list, please don't be, as it's intended as a bit of mirth, so please refrain from a 'OMFG ffs STFU u n000000b' response, etc (I get the point). Also, I understand that many of us play many different racial alts, so it's unfair to generalise so. However, generally speaking, I think the following descriptions are most accurate.
1. Male gnome
Perverted, in manner and personality. A generally dislikeable charachter. His sole purpose is to mock the general standards of honour and manliness shared by both factions through his hideous Disney-like aspect. There's nothing more annoying than being killed by Snow White's Dopey with a pink beard (if you're a Horde player). And gnome warriors? Do me a favour...
Most likely to: Spit on your corpse
Least likely to: Help you
In a nutshell: w@nkers
Famous male gnomes: Woody Allen, Peter Andre, Jamie Callum.
2. Female gnome
Not much better than her male counterpart, and even better at rubbing salt into the wounds when she kills you. Usually imagines that the world (of Warcraft) revolves around her. There is no way, but her way. If I hear that giggle again...
Most likely to: Use emotes as an offensive weapon
Least likely to: Be of any use whatsoever
In a nutshell: walking emetics
Famous female gnomes: Sian Lloyd, Kerry Katona, Toyah Wilcox, Bonnie Langford.
3. Male dwarf
Blunt, rude, inarticulate, uncooperative, stubborn and childish (hmmm, sounds like WoW was made for them). This stumpy creature p!sses you off like nothing else. Devoid of any good ideas, and capable of executing tactics no more sophisticated than "chaaaaaarge!" Remember those dwarves who 'led' raids and 'led' parties in instances? hehe...er, no. Their only redeeming feature is their sense of humour; certainly more affable than gnomes.
Most likely to: Boast
Least likely to: refrain
In a nutshell: oafs
Famous male dwarves: George W Bush, Boris Johnson,
Boris Yeltsin, Stop Boris (the spider).
4. Female dwarf
Gotta like her. Why not? What's wrong with a fat bird who owns 20 cats? Well, quite a lot when it comes to interacting with them. Invariably hunters; they find themselves a big cat so they can take them around Ironforge looking for a wandering butcher to give their pet their tea (ooooh, exciting!) They loll around unpopulated places such as parts of the canal district, or Trias Cheeses. Why? Who cares? When was the last time you had one in an instance, or anywhere?
Most likely to: Join your guild just because you asked them (and were desperate for more members)
Least likely to: Enter Warsong Gulch
In a nutshell: Wallflowers
Famous female dwarves: Bella Emberg, Claire Raynor, Anne Widdecombe, Lorraine Kelly, 'Mamma' Cass Elliott.
5. Male humans
Nothing runs like the human male. Can't keep still for one second. Agrees, accepts, then disagrees and rejects. Here, there and everywhere, most often being brutally sniped to death by four Horde hunters as he vainly goes for a flag run in Warsong Gulch. The standard model for the bog-standard WoW cretin. Twitchy, impetuous and generally hopeless.
Most likely to: get your party killed in an instance.
Least likely to: listen to a damn word you said.
In a nutshell: losers
Famous male humans: Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, Ricky Gervais, Les Dennis, Jonathan King.
6. Female humans
Usually likeable, and a safe bet. Problem with these is they tend to get a bit confused. Will always exit left when her party exits right. Think about female rogues who continue to drink water into their higher levels because they think it replenishes energy; that's it. Always nice to have a few in your guild, or just wandering around Goldshire trying to pull.
Most likely to: ask a mage to heal her
Least likely to: read a map properly
In a nutshell: blondes
Famous female humans: Rachel Stevens, Kelly Brook, (yeah, ok, technically they are brunettes) Phoebe from Friends, Barbie, Skipper.
7. Male elves
Noticed that I avoided the use of 'night' before their name? For the main reason that they attach so much importance to it. They think they are the bee's knees, the dog's b0llocks, cool. No. They are not. They are the hopeless spanner who sat at the back of your class at school, sniffing liquid paper and making fart noises, aspiring to be the worst type of pansy hero shemale in their nasty twisted fantasy of a world where you are the pencil and they are the sharpener. They drool over accomplishing the heroics of a swashbuckling fop in concert tights. There is a lot to be said for males who wish to ponce and preen about the pinky poof boudoir surroundings of Darnassus and Ashenvale being little fekkin ninjas.
Most likely to: eat cheescake, licking the the cheesy bit off the top, and leaving the manly biscuit base alone.
Least likely to: Get their (manicured) hands dirty.
In a nutshell: Ladyboys
Famous male elves: David Beckham, Chesney Hawkes, Darren Day, Duran Duran.
8. Female elves
Female elves will help you out, especially if your'e a low level player, but it's hard to be grateful to anyone who has to tell you EXACTLY how EVERYTHING SHOULD BE DONE. Kinda grates. Straight-faced, cheeks sucked in, noses raised, like their male counterparts, they think their farts smell sweeter than most. Humour? Forget it. Dont try to make a female elf laugh, it will make you cry.
Most likely to: Bother to heal their party
Least likely to: Light their own farts
In a nutshell: Haughty, but not naughty
Famous female elves: Naomi Campbell, Marilyn Manson (yes), Kate Bush, Nigella Lawson.
9. Male orcs
Probably the nicest fellas in WoW. I mean, they have names like 'Cuddles' and 'Bob'. Two mates who start WoW together will play orc rogues called 'Salt' and 'Pepper'. Always up for a beer and a laugh, I just wish these lads were on the Alliance's side. Actually, no, I think orcs are a faction to themselves. Er, so why have I never bothered to get one past level 6? Weird that.
Most likely to: kill you in an honourable PvP one-on-one, then greet you warmly when you resurrect.
Least likely to: ignore you
In a nutshell: that bloke down the pub.
Famous male orcs: Ivor the Engine, Noggin the Nog, Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses, Ricky Tomlinson.
10. Female orcs
Frustrated, punky girls. Tomboys with a football tatoo on their @rse. Don't make huge amounts of noise, and when they do, you understand why they never said much in the first place. Always seem to be coming from the sidelines, never at the front of anything. They don't start anything, they don't resolve anything. Sulky.
Most likely to: kill you ridiculously easily with a bow.
Least likely to: Get themsleves killed in a raid
In a nutshell: That girl who lived on your estate who used to join in your football game at the park without introducing herself.
Famous female orcs: Doris out of Fame, Rizzo out of Grease, Wendy James, Meg Ryan.
11. Male trolls
Mentally deranged. Can usually be found using the laugh emote outside the bank in Orgrimmar. And what are they laughing at? They are laughing because they have found the laugh emote. They laugh again. Why? Because they think the sound of a troll's laughter is so funny that they need to activate the laugh emote to convey to their 'Horde buddies' how funnny it is 'to be a troll'. After doing a bit of capoeira on top of the bank roof, they may take a wander to the top of the wind rider tower to jump off and commit suicide, resurrect, and use the laugh emote. Avoid.
Most likely to: laugh AT you
Least likely to: laugh WITH you
In a nutshell: nutters
Famous male trolls: Paul Gascoigne, Tenacious D, Michael Heseltine, the Iraqi Minister for Information.
12. Female trolls
The earthy mothers of The Horde. The type 'o lass who can drink most men under the table. The type of woman who's sole duty is carry around a pair of metaphorical blunt scissors and metaphorically castrate you with them at the drop of a hat. Never argue with a troll woman; it leads nowhere, a bit like putting an auction on at Gadgetzan. Smart @rses.
Most likely to: say "I told you so, but did you listen..."
Least likely to: stop ganking your sorry male corpse
In a nutshell: hell hath no fury...
Famous troll women: Madonna, Liza Tarbuck, Judge Judy, Barbara Castle, Roseanne Barr
13. Male tauren
A case of polarity existing in harmony. A case of the yin and the yang with a beefy, furry exterior. A tauren male will enjoy kicking the living daylights out of a random drinker in a pub on a Saturday night, but will return home to feed his luvelly-puddelly pet rabbit. At once, humourless, at other times, hilarious. Ever crossed paths with an angry tauren? Not nice. Ever been hugged by a tauren? "aawwwwww".
Most likely to: Try to break the impossible constraints of PvP and kill a member of his own faction.
Least likely to: Help himself from saying 'mooo' during a one-on-one PvP encounter.
In a nutshell: Cuddly but stinky
Famous male tauren: Stan Ogden, Eddie Hitler from Bottom, Stalin, Keith Richards.
14: Female tauren
Probably the rarest sight in WoW, apart from a night elf with chest hair. I mean, a FEMALE tauren? Who want's to be a cow? Quiet. Very Quiet. In fact, there are only rumours that a female tauren has spoken a single word at all. Fascinating; I follow them all across the barrens, until they notice me, then blast my head off with a shotgun. Female tauren, hmmm...this requires a post of its own. Fascinating. What's going on in that pretty bovine head?
Most likely to: shock you when you inspect their honour kills
Least likely to: fail miserably
In a nutshell: four leaf clover
Famous female tauren: That bird out of Stingray that never said anything. Sade.
15: Male undead
Torturing cats is nothing to be proud of, but undead males would have a hard time finding a more fulfilling hobby should they come to consider the morality of it, or any morality whatsoever. Mercenary, cold, and heartless, the undead male takes pleasure from the suffering not only of the Alliance, but of his Horde brothers also. Noticed the prices going up in the auction house recently? Yeah, guess who's fault that is? Nasty little boys.
Most likely to: Resurrect you, then blame you for wasting their time.
Least likely to: give you more than 6 out of 10 for effort while they sit on their mount and watch you being ganked by a mob of alliance paladins.
In a nutshell: freezing poison
Famous male undead: Harold Shipman, Dennis Leary, Old Man Steptoe, Osama Bin Laden.
16. Female undead
Goth girls. Hate the sun, and they hate you too. What's that? A smile on your face? You fool! Never smile. Keep that black dress on, keep that black dye in your hair, keep on being a shadow priest, keep on hating. Hate. Fade to black...
Most likely to: Make you curl up and die
Least likely to: Blow you a kiss
In a nutshell: PMT
Famous female undead: Siouxie Sioux, Courtney Love, Margaret Beckett
